More Proof That I Suck

It is no secret that I am a TV junkie, but the depth of my addiction is never as evident as when I spend a day home from work. Those days are typically structured around my favorite daytime TV shows and end up looking something like this:

8-10am: Wake up and have some breakfast. It normally takes at least an hour to coax myself out of bed, a process involving lots of stretching, rolling over, and peeling fat, hairy cats off of my face. Occasionally, it involves updates from The Weather Channel (just in case).

10-11am: The Maury Povich Show, but only if its a paternity test episode. I couldn't care less about out-of-control teens who beat their mothers and sleep with strange men on their quest to become 13-year old parents. Seriously, if the birthing process doesn't kill them, the STDs they contract will do the job. Either way, problem solved. Should the Maury episode not involve a woman and the sixth man she's brought to the show to be tested, I can usually find episodes of Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or The X-Files, each one an acceptable substitute.

11am-12pm: Clean up the house. This usually consists of vacuuming, washing dishes, scooping the litter box, and other light chores. Nothing too demanding, just enough to prove that I actually did something besides watch TV all day. This fascade is less to protect my delicate psyche and more to prove to my husband that he didn't marry a total loser.

12-1pm: The Maury Povich Show. And here is where I occasionally screw myself. I either get caught up in my faux cleaning and lose track of time or just completely forget that Maury is on twice during the week. Again, I only care about the paternity test shows and will search the Cable universe for an acceptable substitute, if necessary.

1-2pm: Check my e-mail, pay some bills, and eat lunch. While I don't actually watch TV during this time, I'm usually listening to the TV which is pretty much the same thing.

2-3pm: Judge Mathis. I don't know why I like him over, say, Judge Hatchett, but I find his "I come from the ghetto, too, so don't pull any of your ghetto bullshit in my courtroom" rulings absolutely intoxicating. Triple love him.

3-4pm: Judge Joe Brown. The Judge Mathis rules apply here, too. Plus, my niece was born in a hospital birthing room while my sister was watching an episode of Judge Joe Brown which practically makes him family.

4-5pm: Judge Judy. Now, I should mention that Eric has Judge Judy on his Dead Pool (along with several other pseudo-celebrities), but I try not to let his pure hatred of this American Icon cloud my judgement. I love how she clearly makes up her mind about guilt or innocence before any evidence has been presented and spends the rest of the show making the guilty party look like an ass. The show rarely involves any type of justice, but I still find it entertaining.

5-7pm: Local news. Let's face it, 9 out of 10 times I'm still in my pajamas when my husband gets home from work. At least if I'm watching the news, I can pretend like the day has been productive. And it really is all about perception, isn't it?