Saturday, December 30, 2006

Thanks For Nothing, Dell and HP

So our new card reader is no longer working. This means that I can't upload any of my photos until we either (a) bring the card reader/computer to a repairman to be fixed or (b) completely scrap the card reader and buy a new one. Plus, if that isn't enough of a bummer, we are once again experiencing the problems with our monitor that began the Great Motherboard Replacement of November 2006.

I am frustrated and angry that we continue to have these problems after Eric spent almost $600 to fix them just last month. I feel completely defeated and am ready to bite the bullet, scrap our current set-up, and buy a shiny new Apple iBook. Can I afford a shiny new Apple iBook? No, not really. But having a computer that isn't capable of performing the way I need it to perform is like having a $2,000 paperweight sitting on your desk. It may look nice, but everyone knows that it is totally fucking useless. I was really looking forward to not having a major household expense this spring, but I'm willing to spend the money if it means that we'll finally have a reliable computer and, ultimately, peace of mind.

**Big Sigh**
Update: While laying on my bed watching TV (the Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon, if you must know), I noticed that the green light on my card reader was actually lit for the first time in several weeks. I pulled my memory card out of the reader and immediately placed it back in the card slot. And what do you know? Not only is my computer now recognizing the card reader, but it actually prompted me to transfer the images from the memory card to the computer which is what I did.

Who says that Christmas miracles aren't real?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

More Proof That I Suck

It is no secret that I am a TV junkie, but the depth of my addiction is never as evident as when I spend a day home from work. Those days are typically structured around my favorite daytime TV shows and end up looking something like this:

8-10am: Wake up and have some breakfast. It normally takes at least an hour to coax myself out of bed, a process involving lots of stretching, rolling over, and peeling fat, hairy cats off of my face. Occasionally, it involves updates from The Weather Channel (just in case).

10-11am: The Maury Povich Show, but only if its a paternity test episode. I couldn't care less about out-of-control teens who beat their mothers and sleep with strange men on their quest to become 13-year old parents. Seriously, if the birthing process doesn't kill them, the STDs they contract will do the job. Either way, problem solved. Should the Maury episode not involve a woman and the sixth man she's brought to the show to be tested, I can usually find episodes of Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or The X-Files, each one an acceptable substitute.

11am-12pm: Clean up the house. This usually consists of vacuuming, washing dishes, scooping the litter box, and other light chores. Nothing too demanding, just enough to prove that I actually did something besides watch TV all day. This fascade is less to protect my delicate psyche and more to prove to my husband that he didn't marry a total loser.

12-1pm: The Maury Povich Show. And here is where I occasionally screw myself. I either get caught up in my faux cleaning and lose track of time or just completely forget that Maury is on twice during the week. Again, I only care about the paternity test shows and will search the Cable universe for an acceptable substitute, if necessary.

1-2pm: Check my e-mail, pay some bills, and eat lunch. While I don't actually watch TV during this time, I'm usually listening to the TV which is pretty much the same thing.

2-3pm: Judge Mathis. I don't know why I like him over, say, Judge Hatchett, but I find his "I come from the ghetto, too, so don't pull any of your ghetto bullshit in my courtroom" rulings absolutely intoxicating. Triple love him.

3-4pm: Judge Joe Brown. The Judge Mathis rules apply here, too. Plus, my niece was born in a hospital birthing room while my sister was watching an episode of Judge Joe Brown which practically makes him family.

4-5pm: Judge Judy. Now, I should mention that Eric has Judge Judy on his Dead Pool (along with several other pseudo-celebrities), but I try not to let his pure hatred of this American Icon cloud my judgement. I love how she clearly makes up her mind about guilt or innocence before any evidence has been presented and spends the rest of the show making the guilty party look like an ass. The show rarely involves any type of justice, but I still find it entertaining.

5-7pm: Local news. Let's face it, 9 out of 10 times I'm still in my pajamas when my husband gets home from work. At least if I'm watching the news, I can pretend like the day has been productive. And it really is all about perception, isn't it?

Monday, December 25, 2006

She's Got My Vote

My 7-year old niece, Rebecca, was given the following school assignment: Write what you would do if you were given the job of Santa.

With some minor spelling and grammatical corrections, this is what she wrote:

"I would love to have the opportunity to be Santa. I would give all the kids in foster homes one or two parents. I would put the people in war back with their families. I would give my brother a Ben-Ten watch because he really wants one. I would spend time with the kids in the hospital. I would talk to the parents whose kids past away. I would give peace and joy on Earth. I would give every animal a shelter because I love animals. Would you like to be Santa?"

I think she'd make a great Santa, don't you?

Merry Christmas, Internets. I hope your day was full of family, friends, and lots of laughs.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

If Only It Were That Simple

Me: Hi, do you have a minute?
Eric: Sure, babe. What's up?
Me: Do you have $380,000 I can borrow?
Eric: Sure. For what?
Me: There is a beautiful house in Teaneck that I want to buy. It has 4-bedrooms, a deck, and a big backyard. In fact, I'd really like it if you could buy it for me as a Christmas gift.
Eric: Sure thing. You do realize that $380,000 is slightly more than the $100 cap we set on gifts back in October, right?
Me: Yes, but I'm sooo worth it.
Eric: I'll have to cash in my penny jar, but what the hell. Consider it done.
Me: Sweet.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Releasing My Inner (Male) Child

Saturday night was as uneventful as it gets so while Eric was napping on the sofa, I decided to take out some of my Playmobil play sets (don't ask) and take some pictures. Here are some of my favorites:

The Cop (think NYPD but without the racial bias). You can't see it from this angle, but he's actually pointing a gun at the camera. I wonder if he has a throw-away strapped to his ankle?

The Fireman (not as sexy as those in the NYFD but I'm totally digging the Ron Jeremy mustache)

The Pirate (since Johnny Depp hasn't returned any of my calls, this little guy will have to do)

The Warrior (at first I was a little disturbed by his crown made from a dead cat's skull, but it works with the outfit)

And finally...

The Jester (because laughing at how horribly boring my life has become seems to distract me from facing how horribly fucking boring my life has become)

I Guess We're No Longer Lighting Matches

Eric and I found this little gem at a church flea market this afternoon. I'm still not sure how this bag of herbs is supposed to fight gas and assorted stomach ailments or why it was being sold along side some costume jewelry and used shoes, but it seemed too good to pass up. Not only will it cure my irritable bowel, it will allow me to invite an actual colon to my next dinner party...

as well as enjoy a family BBQ with my favorite rectum.

And all this for only $5! I'm sure my HMO will be overjoyed.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

While God may have given Eric’s Cowboys the win at Giants Stadium yesterday, He more than made up for it by giving Eric a flat motorcycle tire on the way to the game. Go Big Blue!

Friday, December 01, 2006

It's all in the wording, Ladies and Gentlemen

Eric: What time will you be home tonight?
Me: I'm not sure. The party ends at 9pm. Do you want to drive into the city and pick me up from the restaurant?
Eric: (Sounding elated) Of course I want to do that! I was just saying that, after working all day, the one thing I wanted to do is sit in rush-hour traffic while traveling to Manhattan, sit in holiday traffic once I get to Times Square, and inch my way down 42nd Street until I arrive at the restaurant, only to make an illegal u-turn and spend another hour heading back to New Jersey. Wow, that sounds like loads of fun. That, and masterbating with a cheese grater. Yep, equally fun.
Me: So what time should I expect you?